The new year is a time to embrace change, but not in 2026. My careful analysis of current trends, of which I have gathered from only the best Instagram reels and YouTube shorts, informs me that 2026 is to be not just the great meme reset, but a reset to the golden age: 2016. As I close this chapter of my life, I look eagerly back, not forward, to be reborn as a new man.
The alarm clock sounds at 8:00 A.M, the stereo blasting “Love Yourself” by Justin Bieber as I roll out of bed, the golden sun shining onto my beautiful new face. Hastily, I throw on my skinniest pair of jeans and put on my 50-pound denim jacket. However, nothing would be complete without my Espresso Kylie’s Lip Kits, making my oversized lips look like I´ve dipped them in Willy Wonka’s chocolate river.
Like a kid in a fidget spinner store, I run around the city, people staring down at their phones, no doubt playing the new Pokémon Go game that just came out. I glance at a passerby, using the new Snapchat facial feature, his rugged jawline, twinkling blue eyes, and magnificent bomber jacket amplified by his stunning flower crown.
As I dash past dozens of plebeians, I encounter the only food I can tolerate—Yogurtland. I strode in, chest puffed like a male peacock, reminiscing about the creamy, frozen sorbet, the chewy mochi toppings, and the delight of gnawing on a popping boba while I hungrily gobbled up the frozen meal. As I meandered up to the counter, asking for their new matcha flavor, something strange occurred. Instead of revering me for my boldness and bowing down, I received only strange, blank looks. Suddenly, a surge of dread filled my lungs. My eyes dilated in fear, and I trudged over to the dispensers, shrieking six and seven at the top of my voice in the hopes that someone would prove my suspicions wrong, only to find that my favorite flavors were gone and my worst fears confirmed.
This was a revolutionary shock, one that ; the flavours that Yogurtland released in 2025 were not there. They had never been created. While we had Drake, Justin Bieber, Kidz Bop, and peak YouTube with DanTDM, Markiplier, and PopularMMOs, nothing new existed. It was there when I broke down, my world shattered as I finally figured out the price I had paid. My legs gave out as I realized that Alpha males, Skibidi toilet, six seven, matcha, and so many other memes I had held so dear to me were gone.
I began to sob, the uncontrollable grief of that which had never been washing over me as young, vivacious teenagers stepped over my decrepit self, distracted by new, pokey men from the Kanto region. I was then asked to leave, escorted by the finest of 2016 police cars back to my residence, my backless loafers carrying me back into my apartment.
I realized that while the trends of a better age were by far greater than I could have ever imagined, it was not worth returning to if I had to leave what I loved behind. I am now a prisoner of my own creation, stuck in a time period in which no one can understand me, and all the songs released, all the trends gaining popularity, I have already listened to and experienced hundreds of millions of times. That is my fate, and 2016 is where I must reside until the end of time.