It seems as though nowadays, people see Labubus as a joke, something to be laughed at. But not me. I believe that my little angels are something more than just an ¨ugly doll¨, more than something to be called a waste of money and bought to become a performative male. I feel myself getting more powerful with every Labubu that I collect, and the thrill of opening the blind boxes is a joy that nothing else in my life has ever been able to replicate. 

If I don’t have my Labubus close to me at all times, I feel weak. One time, when I spent a few seconds away from them, my vision immediately grew blurry, and I craved the feeling of their soft faux fur brushing against my hand. It almost felt as if a piece of me was missing. I must be with my Labubus at all times or the effects may be fatal. 

Now, one must wonder how I keep myself afloat, how I afford all the Labubus and blindboxes. And the answer is simple! I have turned my LaGarage into a dealership for my precious bubus. As an ex-performative fella, I know all the best places in which to let go of my LaPrecious for some money.

I wake up each morning, grab my clear, square glasses from my labubu glasses holder, put on my earrings, and walk to Starbucks  for matcha, wired earbuds in as I hum along to Claro. You must dress like your customers for them to connect with you—although I must say, I have never met someone more stereotypical than me, my aura emanating from my every being, blinding all those around me like LeSunshine on the courts.

Of course, being a Labubu dealer, there are always others that I must also compete with—Sonny Angel dealers, POP Mart sellers, Smiski vendors, and, worst of all, the Chiikawa merchants. However, my Labubu energy will always triumph over my rivals as I feel some of my outshining energy start to come back- but I must resist, lest I revert back to my old habits. I very easily win against my competition, as almost instantly, a flock of lesser versions of myself gather around me like pigeons to bread crumbs. After a long day parting with my LaBelovedes, I tearfully head to the Labubu store to restock and hopefully pull a rare one myself. Recently, I have been on a search for the rarest, 24-karat gold, one-of-a-kind Labubu. I have been scouring every store, opening thousands, if not tens of thousands, of blind boxes in the hopes of acquiring one. Many question the effects of putting so much plastic into the ocean, but the Labubus would have been bought by others anyway. If anything, I am reducing the plastic waste in the ocean as now, no one else can buy the bubus. 

And alas, after a whopping 8,577 blind boxes, over twenty pounds of plastic in my trash can, over a hundred thousand dollars spent, and tendonitis- my quest for the golden Labubu has finally come to a close. The excitement, the pleasure I felt pulling my bubu out of its plastic prison is one that is beyond the comprehension of man, a feeling that may never be replicated ever again. I can feel the power it gives, the aura I have as I walk down the street with it attached to my baggy jeans connected to me via a gold chain. I have transcended humanity, transcended the need for anything but the Labubus as I become one with the elf. I have the only 24-karat gold Labubu, my life’s mission now in my LaFingers. There´s only one thing to do now… I’m going to go listen to the new Laufey album.