PUBLIC HEALTH ALERT
To the Diamond Bar High School Community:
In these dire times, we must address a crisis that threatens our beloved campus. Demon Bar High School, once a safe haven for sacrilege, now faces a grave pandemic. The situation demands immediate attention and action to preserve our school’s rich traditions and spirit. The healthy high school atmosphere that all students should be able to experience, including rampant toxicity, discreet bullying and loose morals, is slowly slipping away from our fingers, and we must tighten our grasp before we lose its sanctity for all eternity.
Our institution, characterized by a culture of disunity and hate, now finds itself under siege due to the outbreak. The Class of 2024, entrusted with oppressing our underclassmen by the graduating senior Class of 2023, has become embroiled in “sin,” venturing into self-improvement, abstinence and hard work, leaving our campus vulnerable to external threats, including — dare I say — happiness, harmony and productivity.
The origins of this outbreak remain shrouded in mystery, with hints that it may have been brewing prior to the Class of 2023’s graduation. However, it has now officially taken root and is exerting a profound impact on our community.
Symptoms may include: resisting peer pressure, fewer academic integrity scandals, a lack of self-victimization and rumors, rising test scores and GPAs, less passive-aggressive interactions and diminishing instances of bullying. In terminal cases, you may find examples of actual empathy and kindness towards others, usage of the words “please” and “thank you,” improved attendance and stronger friendships.
Really makes you gag. For the betterment of all our student body, please report all those who exhibit any of these symptoms to the appropriate local authorities (me).
To the resilient few who have stayed negative, toxic and delinquent, know that you have my unconditional love and support until the end of time. For the love of all that is good, please continue to uphold the traditions of Demon Bar High School. After all, our school couldn’t possibly host the toxic environment it has without seniors to mess with underclassmen or sore losers to spread false rumors about each other. I believe the underlying noxious sentiments to still be profound within all of you. You simply have yet to awaken it.
In these challenging times, let us stand united to maintain the status quo and protect the age-old traditions of Diamond Bar High School. Your commitment to chaos is the glue that holds our school’s legacy together. Let us take a stand and step up to fill the role of the oppressors, the deviants, the bullies.
Together, we shall ensure the perpetuation of our notorious educational experience.
Let the mayhem reign on.
