Seductively Satirical: Healing heartache with pixelated love

Jeremiah Jung, Asst. News Editor|February 15, 2022

Seductively+Satirical%3A+Healing+heartache+with+pixelated+love

Catherine Han

I will never love again.  

I’d always been told that all good things must come to an end, but I never believed this applied to me. My little Discord kitten was the only one for me; in calling it quits, she not only threw away our beautiful, one-day relationship, she also threw away my heart.

Like a lost soul, I drifted into a void for what seemed like years. The only times I found solace were when I would listen to Juice WRLD and XXXTENTACION or scroll through countless inspirational quotes on TikTok– an  app where I would also post myself shirtless in hopes of attracting a 3D girl. I just as quickly changed my Valorant username to “I Miss Her #sad,” which I firmly believe is a solid step in the direction of my eventual recovery from my former relationship.  

As much as I try to cope, these don’t help too much, so I try my best to cope with the masterpiece of a video game known as Roblox. However, I don’t use Roblox in a conventional sense. Rather, I put my own creative twist on it to essentially make it into a dating application. I’m trying to get over her, and honing my social skills and increasing my pool of romantic interests is definitely helping me, especially considering the fact that I want to cater to a mature and experienced population, such as the target audience of Roblox.

An immediate change in myself that I’ve seen is that I am able to flirt a lot better, and I’ve been pulling so many girls. Most notable among the many relationships I’ve enjoyed with my online sweethearts was when I met someone with cat ears in my favorite game, Counter Blocks Roblox Offensive, and my friend request was immediately accepted after I used my favorite emote to woo her.  

Using my favorite emote to woo her, I responded to @dreamonguslvrrxx with a wave of sparkly-eyed emojis and “Hey There Kitty Shawty!”  

After engaging in a ten-minute conversation where I shared my home address, childhood memories and deepest traumas with @dreamonguslvrxx, I received a message that made my heart skip a beat.  

“Wanna know how to get 99999999 Robux?” the message read.  “WARNING: THIS IS NOT A SCAM THIS IS NOT A SCAM! 1. Type your credit card information into messages and press enter. 2. Upload a copy of all your legal documentation as a PDF file. 3. Blow a kiss to me hubby! Then restart Roblox and you’ll have 10000000 Robux!”

I was beyond excited. I’d impressed this girl so much that she was offering me money in Roblox! I wrote this down in my journal before sending all the requested information.  

She hasn’t responded in close to a month now and I never received any in-game compensation, but I just know that she is working hard to get those Robux to me. My parents have been yelling about a debt or something over the past few weeks, but I don’t see how this is pertinent to me in any way.