Selectively Satirical: Rejecting the perfect application


Cartoon Courtesy of CATHERINE HAN

Dear Harvard Admissions Committee,

I would say I hope this email finds you well, but I don’t really care how it finds you, to be completely honest, and honesty is one of the many traits I have pride in. I am writing to you now because last Friday, I received an email from someone claiming to be from the Harvard Admissions Committee. You would be absolutely bemused to find that I was falsely sent a ‘rejection letter’ from this imposter. 

I know after reading that, you must have had a great laugh to yourself. I mean, who would believe that I was rejected from any college in the world with my stellar 2.5 GPA and my exceptional extracurricular of recreational sports, let alone Harvard? Besides, after following a harrowing period of careful selection and elimination, I ended up applying to the only college that matched my caliber: Harvard. Why would I spend any extra money when I am guaranteed a spot in any college of my choice?

On the tiniest off chance that the email was, in fact, from the Harvard Admissions Committee, consider this email as my way of clearing up any confusion with my application. Clearly, something must have gone terribly wrong; perhaps the person reading my application mixed me up with another person? After all, no other student’s schedule compares to my own, considering my strenuous extracurricular activity and impressive 12-hour sleep schedule (which I maintain through carefully selecting half my homework to not do), all while juggling school. And don’t get me started on the outstanding essay I submitted that describes my greatest obstacle so far: learning how to tie my shoes. 

I digress; if, in fact, Harvard has made no mistake in sending a letter of rejection, I regret to inform you that I cannot accept this verdict. This decision was a difficult one to make, but you are welcome to try again next year, when I receive college rejections again. 

Although I know Harvard must not have an education that will be up to my standards, out of the kindness of my heart, I have very hesitantly decided to give you a chance. After all, receiving my patronage should increase the reputation of your school dramatically, and that will finally give your school the opportunity to make its name a little more well-known. 

Aside from the faulty rejection letter I received, I have not experienced failure ever in my life, and I would rather my first encounter with it not be with a low-level college like Harvard. Thus, I wish you the best of luck in sending the actual rejection letters to the pleb students who actually deserve it.


Future Harvard Valedictorian