Specifically Satirical: America’s most eligible scholar


Cartoon Courtesy of RUTH YOON

Without ever having to try, I already have every college in the contiguous United States begging me to attend their school. Ever since I signed up to take the SAT in sixth grade and aced it with an exemplary total score of 600, I’ve been receiving daily emails from such a large number of universities that I can’t even keep track of them. 

I can tell from browsing around on Reddit and asking around at our school that people my age seem to have a really hard time finding a school desperate enough to want them, which was something that I had no difficulty achieving– yet another testament to my academic superiority.

Among all the emails I’ve been sent, the common denominator seems to be that pretty much every school in the country considers me the “most valuable applicant,” from Mt. SAC to some Christian schools in Ohio. “Greetings, Jeremiah” or “Hey, Jeremiah” and even “Aloha, Jeremiah” fill my inbox, followed by endless praise, like how my C+ in Biology makes me the perfect student to attend a prestigious military academy. These personalized messages just go to show how much these schools care about me– why else would they know so much about my academic career?

From offering personalized campus tours to personality quizzes to better explore my inner motivations, these colleges have employed countless tactics to gain my attention. With so many schools prostrating themselves before me, I have decided to take my time and carefully select a school that meets my needs. 

One school that has just barely managed to meet my critical standards, is the relatively average Columbia University. My forging of a letter of acceptance aside, Mary Pieper from Columbia has bombarded me with numerous emails over the past few months. 

Beginning with an email describing the school and inviting me to be part of a questionnaire, I was immediately left with a good impression of the school’s PR team, since they had managed to find a talented applicant such as myself. From what I can tell, they seem to be looking for students without any leadership qualities or outstanding talents. Given that I really enjoy being a follower and not the leader, I immediately felt a connection with the school’s standards.

They followed up with messages that told me that I would receive a guide to applying for school. While I don’t need this, the mere provision of a guide is enough to merit a yes from me, given that using excessive mental strain by thinking and pondering over things is something I despise. 

I think it’s a well-known fact that every college loves me, but it sucks that I can only ever have one choice that won’t meet all of my standards anyway.