Superiorly Satirical: Summer school

Everyday I strive to tell myself that I’m unique, I’m special and I deserve attention because my problems aren’t like anyone else’s.

So, of course, it was no surprise to find a personally addressed letter on my doorstep, inviting me to spend a summer at an elite, Top 10 university. Why should I be wasting my time at home for a research internship or a local job when I could simply fly across the country to learn “leadership, lifelong skills for the future and a chance to gain college credit”? 

Given my destiny to benefit from my parents’ success and make a comfortable six-figure salary, any amount of money is an acceptable price for these priceless leadership lessons. How else am I supposed to make my mark on the world forever? 

For a split second, I did feel slightly uneasy about dropping $15,000 on a two-week program–enough  to cover a year’s tuition at a UC campus–but it’s nothing compared to the impact it’ll have on my college applications!  I may have slacked off a teensy bit on my classes and extracurriculars, leading me to lose some leadership positions and then did nothing but whine about it for weeks. However, with this ace up my sleeve: I’ll be unstoppable. 

Along with a heartbreaking essay describing how breaking up with my sixth boyfriend completely reshaped my identity, colleges will see the real me–a  hard worker with a tragic backstory no one else can fully understand, yet one I still managed to overcome. 

After carefully filling out the most important part of my application, the $15,000 check, I send it in and eagerly wait for the results. In the meantime I make sure to update each of my six tutors, one for every class, as well as my college admissions counseling service so they see my sheer effort. If people aren’t constantly praising and noticing my raw potential , then there’s no point in trying.

 I can’t wait for my bestie to text me a message of congratulations telling me about how all my genuinity and hard work had paid off.  This, however, must come after posting screenshots of my acceptance email on every social media platform I own, nonchalantly of course. 

Why would I ever try cramming my success down other people’s throats for a temporary emotional high? I’m not trying to prove that I’m better than my peers or that my future is brighter in any way: That’s something only a very insecure person would do. 

Now I can go to sleep peacefully after a hard day’s work, because good things are coming my way and I absolutely deserve them.