Strategically Satirical: The most tiresome competition

James Wu

I have heard  that sleep is important for your physical and mental health, but in my opinion, it’s more important to win the competition of whoever gets the least amount of sleep. Trust me, I hold the school’s record for the most all-nighters in a row, have the most mental breakdowns and am a regular at the Wellness Center as well, but I’m just really competitive.

To be accepted  into the Ivy League school of my dreams, I need to up my game and sleep for only 30 minutes a night. Since I’ve won the school-wide award for having the least amount of sleep, I’ve qualified to move on to the state, or maybe even the international, level of this contest. To attend  the best school you need to be the best, and to be the best you need to at least be internationally recognized for being sleep deprived. 

Other students always brag about how little sleep they get, but that drives me  to sleep even less. At school, you might see me sleeping during a lesson, but just remember that my GPA is probably higher than yours. 

If you want to know how you can compete for  the sleep deprivation award, here’s a rundown of my schedule. 

On Monday, I need to study for my SAT that is in exactly five months, six hours and 11 minutes. On top of that, in order to achieve  a perfect score on my next math test, I need to teach myself calculus because I was asleep in class. 

On Tuesday is Diamond Bar’s  one late-start day a month, but it’s pointless. I’d rather wake up before the sun comes up and go out with my friends for breakfast. It’s good for my mental health to finally spend time with my friends, and I can’t have my growling stomach wake me up during English class. 

On Wednesday, I sleep  for two hours even though it’s not my fault that I have crazy teachers who give me assignments that conflict with my nightly binge-watching of “The Office.”

On Thursday, I wake up early to make it to my zero period class after getting my weekly Starbucks drink on the way. If I don’t get my grande caramel macchiato with no whip and three shots of espresso, I might as well just die from exhaustion at this point in the week.

With my inactive club and my sport that I always find away to get out of (you don’t always need a doctor’s note), it’s hard to get anything done until I get home. On Friday, my coach said that we could do homework on the bus ride, but I would rather play Fortnite on my phone. I guess it was a good idea to do all of my homework after my late night game because I have a new record of eight hours of sleep this week!

Even the weekend is a struggle. I have to sleep in until noon to be able to stay home all day. On Sunday, I am able to finally find the energy to start my homework at 11 p.m. because I didn’t have the time to complete any of it with my busy schedule. Oh well, at least I will get a head start on my next record.