Shockingly Satirical: Warning: spoilers ahead

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Shockingly Satirical: Warning: spoilers ahead

Cartoon courtesy of James Wu

Cartoon courtesy of James Wu

Cartoon courtesy of James Wu

With the release of the highly anticipated conclusion of the “Avengers” series, I have officially assumed the position of movie enlightener. No, I don’t spoil movies for people—I warn them instead.

To those with high blood pressure, previous instances of heart attacks and, in general, a strong emotional connection with movie characters, thank me later. It may seem like I am merely informing people about the most important scenes in a movie, but I’m slowly easing them into the jaw-dropping ending so that they aren’t as shocked as I was when I first experienced it.

Whenever the latest movie comes out, I rush to the movie theater to make sure I watch it as soon as possible so I can warn unwary moviegoers about surprising scenes. As I buy my ticket online, I can’t help but think of all the loving and thankful gazes I will get when I tell people about the movie’s most distressing and game-changing scenes.

I don’t mind having to pay the online convenience fee to get the earliest showtimes. I consider it my duty as the informant to make small sacrifices—convenience fees and possible heart attacks included.

Take “Avengers: Endgame,” for example. Arriving an hour prior to the showing, I made sure to bring my notebook and pen to take note of every single minute detail of the movie, just in case I would forget. With people’s health on the line, there is no reason for me to take it easy in  my duties.

To stay on top of things following the film (after I almost suffered a mild heart attack, mind you), I immediately jumped on all of my social media and let people know how amazing the experience was. Making my posts as detailed as possible on the ending of the movie, I delighted at the thought of how appreciative everyone would be of me.

However, to my confusion, when I went to school the next day, nobody wanted to talk to me. Then, I realized that it must have been because they were in awe of how the movie concluded. I’m sure that deep down, my fellow students appreciated my brief and concise summary of the movie.

Afterall, it’s the same concept as going on SparkNotes to find a short synopsis of assigned reading books.

As I patted myself on the back for doing such an amazing job, I checked the internet for new and upcoming movies to inform others about. There aren’t any off days for me.