Shallowly Satirical: Environmental passion for an A

Pauline Woodley, A&E Editor

As an AP Environmental Science student, my end-of-the-year project is exactly what I needed to make myself more environmentally conscious. I have never cared more about the world around me, and surprisingly, all it took was a letter grade.

Before I start working, I need enough supplies and materials to use to reduce waste and save the planet.

After making countless Facebook and Instagram posts about my Chipotle fundraisers and begging my friends to get Yogurtland for a good cause, my favorite thing to do is take a break and snack on a small bag of chips (small, of course, to reduce waste).

At these lovely fundraisers, I enjoy forcing—encouraging—unsuspecting customers to sign petitions. I’m sure those signing my recyclable sheet of paper are changing all of their environmentally harmful ways of life thanks to me.

The perfect use of all the money we make will be superfluous gifts for the winners of fun lunchtime activities. But again, this is all in the name of creating a healthier planet.

After a long day of advocating for safe energy sources, I go to the gas station to fill my car with high quality gasoline. Then I drive home, turn on all the lights and get to work on my next fundraising event using my computer.

When I get to class, I sit and plot my revenge on the disgusting energy wasted on lighting our classrooms.

These days, our generation can’t even put their energy-draining phones down long enough to appreciate the beautiful world around them.

But I always remind my friends to subscribe to our YouTube channel on their phones for instructions on how to keep our planet clean. However, they shouldn’t do it because of the extra points my class gets when they hit the thumbs up button, but because my class cares so much about the fate of our Earth and so should my closest pals.

Being an environmental activist is not easy, but someone has to do it. Sometimes I even break a sweat working so hard for my grade…I mean, my planet. The two-hour showers I take give me the perfect opportunity to cleanse off the pollution that all the non-APES students are creating daily.

Our ideas may cost the school an unreasonable amount of money, but it’s important we aim high. If we try hard enough, the school may even implement our idea. (See: the amazing water bottle station in the front office that everyone uses.)

I’m infinitely thankful for the chance to parade my APES project all over campus and demonstrate how to be a model citizen. I mean, who knew I would be giving other people the chance to save the ozone layer simply by buying a burrito at Chipotle.

These projects are really going to make an impact on the environment, solving problems that desperately need our attention. In a perfect world, everyone would be like me and my class full of people ready to change the world, one flush, straw and step at a time.