Standardly Satirical: SAT, more than just a number
September 14, 2017
As SAT testing commences this school year, every student should be fully aware that this singular test will determine every aspect of your life for as long as you live.
After all, it is common knowledge that a person’s SAT score is the only way of determining any skills, talents or ambitions a student might have. Hopes and dreams will have long been forgotten, as the singular goal of reaching that perfect 1600 replaces all of your other goals in life.
As I’m sure you’ve heard from every college counselor and millennial, times are difficult out in the real world. As the SAT remains the only reliable source of determining a person’s skill set and intelligence, communication skills and ambition are no longer valued in jobs and future employment opportunities.
All that employers are looking for is the number between 400-1600 on your resume that allows them to determine your qualifications. If your score is less than satisfactory, you should expect to be rummaging through the trash, looking for some source of nourishment, unable to fend for yourself.
Not only is finding employment difficult, but the social repercussions of not scoring high are unbearable. You may find friends and family physically disgusted by you if your score does not come out as expected. Successful people risk ruining their reputation by associating with someone with a significantly lower scores than theirs, as the gap makes it impossible for any meaningful or intelligent conversation. How can one avoid such a disgraced future? Students should put the appropriate amount of weight and importance in preparing for the test. Advisors suggest completely ignoring any extracurricular activities and focusing completely on SAT preparation.
As ambition and passion hold very little weight in comparison to the cold, hard reliability of an SAT score, pursuing clubs and activities you’re interested in will not get you as far as rereading your handy SAT prep book. Allow your parents to throw money at every preparation academy in the area, as every summer and weekend should be completely dedicated to nothing else but sitting in preparation classes.
I cannot emphasize enough how life-changing your SAT score is. As you eat dinner around the table with your grandkids, I am absolutely certain your number one regret will be having not studied as much as you should have for the SAT. This one test will decide the fate of your entire world, your entire high school career, and you should see it as such.
