Slothfully satirical: standing up for senioritis

Stuart Kusdono, Asst. Opinion Editor

Senior Tanya Slacker of Layback High School filed a suit against Tryhard College for discrimination against what she defines as “special-need” students.

More specifically, Slacker accuses the college of discriminating students suffering from senioritis—a well-known and contagious disease.

“It’s a form of bipolar disorder, I would say,” Slacker said during an interview before the court case. “The disease is like a dark force that invades your brain, playing a game of tug-of-war with sanity. All your rational thinking is rendered useless. The force enslaves you to all whims of instant gratification.”

The suit was filed just days after Slacker was rescinded from Tryhard College for failure to maintain a 2.0 unweighted GPA. Slacker claims to have been infected by senioritis and argues that her disease crippled her, thereby preventing her from achieving anything over a “C” in any of her classes.

The college, Slacker reasons, is bigoted for rescinding students for simply being ill.

“Obviously, the college is afraid that the disease will hinder Slacker’s ability to perform well academically,” Slacker’s lawyer explained at the court hearing, “But if I were to be diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, does that necessarily mean that I will fail in school? Stephen Hawking would beg to differ.”

In response to arguments against the existence of senioritis, Slacker’s lawyer cites the urban dictionary, which defines senioritis as “a crippling disease that strikes high school seniors,” symptoms including “laziness, an over-excessive wearing of track pants, old athletic shirts, sweatpants, athletic shorts and sweatshirts.”

Slacker’s senior classmate, Jason, was called up to the stand and testified the existence of senioritis, saying how he has also been afflicted by it and how it can even be beneficial.

“Tryhard College has one of the highest stress rates in the nation,” argued Jason. “Senioritis has a bad rep, but is perhaps the greatest cure to stress, which inevitably leads to many more serious diseases, including, but not limited to, cancer, diabetes and depression.”

The professor representing  Tryhard College repeatedly stated his Fifth Amendment right to not incriminate himself  when asked for a rebuttal. The court hearing lasted for fifteen minutes. The college was ultimately deemed “not guilty” by the U.S. District Court in  Sacramento. Slacker was shocked upon hearing the decision.

“A world where people are unlawfully discriminated by schools and courts for suffering from diseases such as affluenza and now, senioritis, is a dark world indeed,” Slacker said. “But if anything, I am more inspired than ever to fight this war waged against the rights of my brethren seniors.”