DBHS Student Publication.

The Bull's Eye

History revised



Amelie Lee, Asst. Feature Editor

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Just over 100 days into his presidency, Donald Trump has not only contributed several full hours of hard work to our government and drained the swamp of corrupt politicians, but he has also given desperate historians never-before considered insight into the events that helped sculpt our nation.

In one informed and emotionally poignant statement, Trump dismissed the 19th  Century conflicts of slavery and sectionalism as unnecessary.

“People don’t ask that question, but why was there the Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?” Trump said, immediately stimulating shock and intellectual discussion on a national level.

Those once confident of the succession of several Southern states are now unsure about the previously stable history of our country. Historians and teachers around the world have been in a state of complete panic to accommodate the new information released.

“We’ve already had to rewrite our textbooks a couple weeks ago after we were informed by the President and his press secretary Sean Spicer that Frederick Douglass was still alive,” said a local history teacher. “With Trump’s revolutionary new ideas about the Civil War, who knows what’s next in the cards for U.S. history!”

Trump’s epiphany also brought to light a new perspective on the actual year of death of president Andrew Jackson. The slave owner, originally thought to have died in 1845, is now considered to have still been alive in 1861, and therefore able to prevent the Civil War.

Stating that Jackson was “very angry about the Civil War,” Trump’s claim questioned whether the former president had died 16 years before the Civil War began.

Historians around the globe are on the edge of their seats as to what ideas the President could contribute to the development of other major historical events.

“Look at the Revolutionary War,” Trump was heard saying, “Why did the Democrats let that happen? Wouldn’t America be a better place if we didn’t have that war in our history?”

At press time, Trump was seen considering expressing the idea that World War II could have been solved by Andrew Jackson as well.

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DBHS Student Publication.
History revised