Seriously Satirical: Hillary Clinton

Brian Chang, Asst. News Editor

I’m a 35-year-old white liberal woman, and as more and more candidates drop out of the race to become the most powerful leader in the world, I find myself ardently hoping for the one and only female still standing to win. Hillary Clinton is looking to return to the house on Pennsylvania Avenue, and the public should be looking to get her there. Why? Because she’s a woman.

So what if I’m only voting for Hillary because she’s a woman like me? If it wasn’t obvious at the start, Hillary is a woman, and she is the only woman running for president, facts that her wonderful campaign team have made sure to remind us of every time she stands up at the podium. I don’t know about you, but I absolutely love hearing about how proud of a grandmother Hillary is, and it’s obvious to me that any grandmother as loving as her deserves to be crowned Commander in Chief.

I mean, sure, I care that she was Secretary of State for four years and she helped locate and take down Osama bin Laden, but isn’t it so much more interesting that she has one, soon to be two grandchildren? Anyone can be Secretary of State, and anyone can help stop a terrorist, but can just about anyone be a grandmother, much less such a loving one as Hillary? Sorry, I don’t think so.

If that wasn’t enough to convince you, her witty remarks on racism will certainly serve to persuade you to join her cause. Only Hillary is brave enough to say what the public knew all along: public education is racist. She’s the only candidate who has been confident enough to argue for the truth and denounce such blatant discrimination. Why? Because she’s a woman,

Her rival Bernie Sanders obviously has not been so fair with his calls for free college tuition. Donald Trump, you say? I don’t even know if he’s thought about education yet. Hillary, on the other hand, has, in my mind, the ultimate solution: her femininity. Nothing else has ever been so obvious: the only real solution to America’s education woes is womanhood.

Those political scientists and columnists calling Hillary a hypocrite have no idea what they’re talking about. So what if Hillary is asking for votes from the impoverished while supporting their historical oppressors, the Wall Street bureaucrats? Hillary is simply trying to show everyone the depth and breadth of her truth, and those who fail to see her prowess must be fools. None of the other candidates can boast that they have come up with a single solution for everything, while Hillary has got all of the misfortunes and blunders of elections past covered with her womanliness. She’s a woman! She has grandchildren!

People just don’t seem to get it; no one else is able to claim that they can make America great again by simply being female. Sanders had better be prepared, as Hillary is clearly about to Bern his campaign to the ground with her pheromones!