Post-election retreat to Canada

Brian Chang , News Editor

After a long, hard-fought campaign of mudslinging, the dust and dirt have finally settled, and unfortunately, the devil incarnate himself has risen to the top of this once-great country. I don’t know about any of you, but I am absolutely bent on packing my bags for the fabled “land of the free” and “home of the brave”−Canada.

I shall be joining the thousands, perhaps millions, of other Americans who have pledged on Facebook to move to the New World, the veritable promised land, that is Canada. We know it shall be impossible to live under the iron fist of the dictator those uneducated white racists in the Midwest elected, and so we’re taking matters into our own hands and making the move north to Liberty Land.

Ah, I can see it now−the exalted leaf and stripes fluttering in the crisp wind overhead in all of its red, white and red glory as the bells of liberty chime in the background, calling us to Sunday mass. Oh, how proud to be Canadian we shall feel, when we salute our leaf-spangled banner on the First of July!

Why move? Well, that should be obvious! It makes no sense to try and promote Democratic ideals when the evil Republicans are cavorting in the nation’s capital, drunk on their recent victory. Why stick around and attempt to fight for equality and the end of discrimination when we can sip cocktails up north and watch the country go up in flames? How could Clinton’s supporters have any power to intervene and band against intolerance when they are the majority? It’s clear that the only course of action for the Democratic party is to uproot and find a new home in Canada, a less xenophobic country than their current one.

Why Canada? Well, that should be obvious! One can never trust all of the malicious drug cartels and gangsters that have taken over Mexico and made it unsafe. It is also a memorial to the days of our ancestors; we are migrating in order to escape the persecution of those evil right-wing supporters, whose sole thought must be the utter removal of all our persons from their land.

So come one, come all! Join me in my migration to Canada, except, of course, if you are one of those nasty, discriminatory bigots that voted Republican this past election. It’s safe to say that the simple act of moving to Canada will solve all of our problems; we will never have to deal with the crazy man who is soon to occupy the White House, because how could any of his policies affect us if we don’t live in the U.S.? God bless Canada, the Land of Opportunity, and its golden coasts, and I do hope you’ll consider joining me in the West’s greatest power.