My Muslim makeover

Noor Naji , Asst. Opinion Editor

“We wish you all an enjoyable flight,” says every flight attendant around the globe, and they mean every word of it, even if they kick me off the plane after they say it.

Lately, Muslims have been put under a microscope in airports due to security measures, and upset Muslims need to understand that airports have every right to do so.

Why do Muslims keep on nagging about their flight issues? It’s simple: if you don’t want to be kicked off a plane, just don’t be Muslim.

We, Muslims, are responsible for every shooting in America, every bombing in the world, global warming, the economy, and the horrible food served on the airplane.

So here is my advice for all of you Muslims traveling. If you’re on an airplane, just change the way you look.

You’re more of a threat because of your appearance, so change it. Dye your hair blonde, bleach your face, and wear a tank top and shorts.  If you usually don’t say that you hated ISIS to the person sitting next to you, mention it every time you open your mouth.

“Hello, my name is Mohammad and I don’t support ISIS.” Now that’s a passenger I wouldn’t be scared of. Let people know every time you speak that you love barbecue sauce, anything red, white and blue, and bacon.

And while you’re at it, change your name to something a little more American. If you’re Mohammed, go by Mo. If you’re Aisha, go by Amy. If you wear the head scarf, take it off, or make sure that it’s one of those U.S. flag hijabs to represent your assimilation and integration.

And if you’re like Faizah Shaheen reading a book about Syrian refugees, don’t do it. It’ll just scare everyone around you and plus, it’s the very definition of “suspicious activity.”

Oh, and don’t sweat like Faisal and Nazia Ali, who were sweating because they probably just ran from gate to gate to catch their plane. It just makes you look shady and might get you an exclusive interrogation. And God forbid that you ever travel as a family. That’s as if you’re yelling, “Call the FBI right now, please!” There’s only a certain number of us people can handle.

In order to ensure that you will not face any of the above, you must follow my Muslim makeover. I can assure you 100 percent that you will never ever be kicked off of any plane again.