Seriously Satirical: New Year’s Resolutions

Cartoon courtesy of Katlyn Lee

Cartoon courtesy of Katlyn Lee

Hanna Kang, Opinion Editor

You make them while you’re watching New York City Time Square’s annual ball drop, counting down the seconds until the ball drops. Or if you’re Korean like me, you compile the list on your way back from a family trip to watch the first sunrise of the New Year.

For countless people around the world, writing New Year’s resolutions has become an unspoken must, and reasonably so. After all, life-changing decisions are accomplished if and only if they are written on the first day of a lifeless calendar.

I am very positive that all of you have your resolutions nicely tucked away in a safe place and can’t wait to put them into action. But just in case my genuine assurance came up a bit short in motivating you to take the beginning steps, I am more than willing to disclose three of my unbelievably feasible resolutions, along with the steps I will take in order for them to materialize.

Hanna Kang’s Top Three New Year’s Resolutions:

1. I will lose some weight.
This one seems to have been monopolizing the number one slot on all my lists for quite some time. If the same goes for you, I can give you a bit of advice that will have you wanting to gain a few pounds when 2016 comes knocking at the door. To shed a few pounds and achieve a leaner physique, first get rid of your kitchen and bathroom scales. Contrary to popular belief, portion control and tracking weight loss are highly detrimental to achieving your goal of losing weight. As another small investment in helping you reach your diet goals, demolish your fitness room. Keeping tabs on your body fat, hydration, muscle mass and bone mass is strictly taboo. Follow these steps and I promise you will be fit as a fiddle by the end of March.

2. I will get straight A’s.
As a senior attending Diamond Bar High School, I can profess on behalf of the entire student body that this is something none of us can ever seem to achieve. Here are some possible ways to break this trend. When you are assigned a lengthy math assignment, flip to the back of the textbook and copy the solutions. For the even-numbered questions, imitate the odd-numbered solutions, changing some numbers and equations here and there. Never take notes during lectures and always come to school prepared to sleep or goof off. This last bit of advice is exclusive to seniors—succumb to the symptoms of senioritis. There isn’t a better way to achieve good grades.

3. I will get more sleep and be less stressed.
I needn’t give you much advice for this one. Make sure you start your homework at midnight and do not ever study for any exam. When doing assignments, make sure to distract yourself by taking a slew of selfies, watching random videos on YouTube or aimlessly scrolling down Facebook.
Now that you know the steps to success, go and put them into action. Achieving your resolutions will be too easy that you will be looking forward to writing another list next year.