Seriously Satirical: Banning Cupcakes


Cartoon courtesy of Katlyn Lee

Vrinda Chauhan, Asst. A&E Editor

Parent/ Guardian:

On behalf of the school administration of Burlington Elementary School, I would like to inform you about recent changes made to our policy. Due to two separate incidents in which students brought baked goods on campus, the school has placed a ban on such items.

For those of you who do not know, last week, two fourth graders at this distinguished Kentucky School were found with boxes of cupcakes. It was later concluded that the students were distributing the treats to their peers, in order to celebrate the birthday of one of their friends. The students were discovered loitering on campus after school and enjoying cupcakes after singing Happy Birthday to the student who brought these cupcakes. Rest assured, our faculty moderated the situation by disposing of the 150-calorie treats, ensuring that no student had become obese as a result of the cupcake. The students’ body mass indexes were measured, and fortunately, only one was found to have increased by a whole 2 percent. The student is now being treated by specialists in order to restore his health. The other partakers are now facing consequences for defying school rules.

The school does not condone such atrocious actions within our student body and is consequently taking up the responsibility of moderating what our students eat by proposing a no tolerance policy for all things sweet and baked. As addiction rates to these unhealthy items continue to rise in America, it is imperative that we receive support from parents and community to exert our full efforts into making our school a dessert-free zone.

We hope to address the root of obesity in America by removing sweets from our campus, and we have decided the best possible way to achieve this is by instituting a ban. Bans have proven to be effective (just take Prohibition, for example). We are hoping that, with this policy, children will forget about sweets as they grow older. School is the only place children are even offered sweets, so the amount of sweets consumed, as well as obesity rates, should decline radically with this policy. By associating fear and taboo with desserts, students will never be tempted to indulge in these sweets again. After all, associating guilt with all that is delicious is the ideal mindset for a healthier American future. Hopefully, in the future, these students will have the conflicted “I know I shouldn’t eat dessert but I can’t help myself” attitude that this policy strives for; we must take baby steps in order to achieve this.

Our administration would also like to offer our support for any students undergoing an addiction. Students may speak to our school psychiatrist about ways to help them rid their deadly habits.
Burlington Elementary is working toward a more healthy future, not only for our students, but for America as well.


Principal Swete