Selfishly Satirical: Conditional commitment


I’ve been craving face-to-face interaction and I think it’s about time I go out and get it. Sure, COVID-19 continues to infect people in California, but is that really my problem?

If everyone had stayed indoors like I have for the past couple of months, then the spread would have been reduced significantly. It’s their problem now, not mine. I’ve stayed inside long enough, and those who have done their duty for the past months should be free to reward themselves and go out with friends and family.

Despite CDC guidelines suggesting that I stay six feet apart from others, it’s been so long since I’ve seen my friends! How could I not give them a hug?

Every time I’ve had to leave my house, I wore my mask religiously. But I don’t like how hard it is to breathe through a mask, and no matter how well I brush, I can still smell my breath. So next time I go out, I won’t wear my mask; I’ve worn mine long enough. It’s time for others to wear theirs. If everyone else is wearing theirs, then what’s the big deal if I don’t?

Guidelines also suggest that we wash our hands thoroughly for at least twenty seconds, but I think that’s a waste of time. I usually just run my hands under the water for a couple seconds, and I haven’t gotten COVID yet. Some people might say that’s gross, but soap doesn’t actually do that much anyways–water’s all you need to get rid of the germs.

My cousin told me about a college party that he went to last week, and I heard it was pretty crazy. He definitely deserves that type of fun; he’s been cooped up for so long that I’m confident he’s made a big enough impact on stopping the spread of COVID as it is. He isn’t even at high risk since he’s young. If he catches it now, it’s not like it’s going to affect him in the long run. 

His friend caught COVID and can’t even play ping pong without getting winded, but my cousin doesn’t plan on doing anything strenuous so who even cares. Those who have been staying home for months should just take this time to let loose. I mean, we’ve self-quarantined for such a long time and look at where that got us: more COVID cases. 

I told my family my thoughts on the current situation, and they suggested that I find somewhere else to stay if I’m thinking about meeting with friends then coming back. I’m not sure what they’re being so uptight about! I mean, even if I do get COVID, the vaccine will probably be out by then, at least that’s what my man Trump says. Just pop it in and we’re good to go; what’s the big fuss?

After seven months of COVID enforced quarantine, I’ve done my duty and it’s about time I start to frequent my favorite restaurants, meet up with my friends and enjoy my life.