The bag boy at Albertsons said that the milk delivery man will be here at seven o’clock sharp this morning. It’s three a.m., and I’m outside the store with my mask, gloves and an urge to push everyone who gets in my way. 

My plan of attack is to start in the dairy section where there’s a sign saying each person can only buy two cartons of milk. They probably don’t understand that my situation is more miserable than everyone else’s because I’m down to my last three gallons, so I’ll take five. I’m sure that they’ll understand that my family of three needs it more than most. I mean, my milk keeps on going bad, so I always need replacements to keep the fridge full.

I’ll then run my cart down to the soup section. My family doesn’t like chicken noodle soup, but I will grab all the cans of tomato soup and chicken noodles just in case they change their minds. 

I suddenly want to bake even though I haven’t touched the oven in six years, so I will pick up five packages of flour to make two batches of cookies. It’s a good time to start a hobby. I know I’ll have a lot of flour left, but at least I’ll be living better than everyone who isn’t taking shopping seriously. 

If I meet face to face with my archnemesis, an 80-year-old woman reaching for the last package of toilet paper, I will start to panic as I remember I only have 18 rolls at home. As a way of defending myself, I’ll grab the toilet paper out of the women’s hands and cough so she knows not to mess with me, because I can’t survive without it. 

In the produce section, I’ll touch every single apple and orange I can to make sure that I get the ripest 20 out of the bunch. Everyone always glares at me for some reason, but they just aren’t as elite of a shopper as I am. They are just jealous of my shopping techniques and the fact that I won’t have to go shopping for a month–though I’ll still be returning next week in case they have more in stock. 

Even though I have plenty of reusable water bottles at home, I need to pick up two cases of water. I just want to be able to have some in case I lose all five of my reusable bottles in my house. Also, you can never be too prepared regardless of the local water district’s continuing operation. 

Next stop will be the poultry section, I wouldn’t be surprised to find that there aren’t any eggs. I can’t believe some people are so selfish, because this is a time everyone should work together and take only what they need. I’ll just interrogate all the employees about the extra eggs that I’m certain they have in the back. I will end my shopping trip and go to the cashier. 

I will decide to go in the “15 items or less” line because I will only have twenty items above the limit and the line is shorter. Right when I get to the register, I’ll take out my 10 coupons and have everyone in the line wait for me to get my deal.

When I get to the parking lot, I’ll take off my gloves and throw them on the ground along with my face mask because the trash container might have the virus on it. I will then get into my car and put on a new mask and gloves to go to my next stop, Costco.