Systematically Satirical: Our lives are our cellphones

As a teen in the 21st century, I’ve heard my fair share of adults complaining that we are on our phones too often. What they don’t realize is how critical our devices are for our health and sanity.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the best phone out on the market. It is a three-year-old iPhone model called the iPhone SE. Since it’s such an old phone, my life is so much worse than everyone else around me. My life is constantly buffering. When I want to look up a synonym of “good,” it almost seems as if it would be faster if I just used my brain instead. 

In addition, any teen can tell you that climate change is a challenge that the world faces today. By using our phones, we’re doing the world a favor by cutting down on waste. We digitize our contacts to avoid printing useless phone books, download online games to discourage the plastic wrappings that physical board games come in and obtain our news through social media to save the trees. 

The worst thing that could ever happen to me is having my phone taken away. If I’m away from it for two seconds I throw a fit just so I can get it back. I don’t care if I get kicked out of the house with no money. All that matters is that I have a cell phone in my hand. Being disowned is not important in comparison to having my phone securely in my hands.

In addition, my phone keeps me safe. Walking down the street is not an option, and I need to use an Uber or a Lyft to reach a place that is as far as one block away. Walking only gives you pain and increases the chances of tripping and falling on the rough sidewalks. I need my phone to go down the street because it sure is the most health-conscious way to do things.

According to a study by Bob Smith of Harvarb University, studying through physical books and reading is a sure way to fail classes. Every student needs to use their phones to study, like me. Audio books are the only option to actually understanding material, because we won’t become distracted while listening.

The worst feeling is when my mother takes my phone away. I feel like I am being torn apart from the world every millisecond that I’m not touching my phone. It is the essence of life and without it I would surely die. 

However, this comes at a great price. Everyday I need to carry around a portable charger, and it weighs down my backpack. I only use my phone around six hours a day, but when the battery goes down to 50 percent, my hands start shaking in fear of a life without my trustworthy phone. I know I’m not alone in bearing the burden of a portable charger, however, because there are plenty of kids who use their phones over 10 hours a day. 

Despite what many adults claim, a lengthened period of using our phones is very beneficial for our health—scientists go on and on about blue light from phones degrading our vision, but it’s clear that blue is a soothing color that will allow us to relax more.

Cell phones are the only way for people to function. We would be savages and wouldn’t be capable of any rational thought.

Though it is a cruel and harsh world out there, our phones will constantly be the source of our light—literally.