Superiorly Satirical: How to pay for college

The more expensive something is, the better its quality. Right? Since I want to have the best education possible,  I better start looking for colleges with the highest tuition. As for how to pay for it, there are endless solutions as long as you’re willing to look for them. 

I’m so thankful college tuition is now three times more expensive than it was when my parents went to college; seriously,  who would want to learn in an environment accessible to everyone? For me, I would rather pay $50,000 a year to go to a four-year private school to receive that elite education, rather than mingle with the masses at cheap public colleges.

Plus, the increase in tuition cost makes total sense. With more people attending colleges, it’s only reasonable to weed out those who are not serious about a college education by raising prices.

In most cases, affording college shouldn’t be a problem as  you should have been saving for college from a young age. Every practical child puts their allowance or lemonade stand money toward college, and I’m sure most parents created college savings accounts for their children the minute they are married. And in case all your savings were lost in a big fire or stolen by robbers, here are a few solutions: 

My first piece of advice for getting the best education and paying the high tuition would be to just take out a loan; it’s simple as that. Who cares if you have to spend up to 20 years paying it off? What matters most is getting a degree from a reputable college. Sure, most employers might not even check to see where you received your education, but it’ll still be worth it to display that piece of paper that lets everyone know you are superior.

If you don’t want to graduate with enormous debt, another solution is to get a scholarship. It’s not hard—all you have to do is beat out thousands of other kids based on your academic ability, or maybe just be phenomenal at a sport you have a lifetime of experience in.

One way to ensure that you win a scholarship is to score a 1600 on the SAT, receive a 36 on the ACT, have a 5.0 GPA and be involved in many extracurricular activities. Besides, if you’re just not good enough to get a scholarship, at least that scholarship won’t be wasted on you; it’ll go to someone who is more talented and worthy.

If the options I’ve listed so far don’t work out for you, there’s always the choice of taking eight AP tests and getting a five on all of them. This way, you can skip a year’s worth of college expenses. 

In the end, there are so many solutions to this simple problem that every student should be able to find some way to get into college. If worst comes to worst, just boycott college altogether to protest the high tuition prices; instead, learn what you would have in college through the internet. The internet is just as qualified as those fancy college professors with actual degrees and experience.