SpongeBob was my childhood best friend. He was optimistic, zany, and hilarious, and I absolutely adored him. That is why I was taken aback, to say the least, by the repulsive excuse of a rendition of my dear SpongeBob in the recently released film, “SpongeBob: Sponge Out of Water.”

The movie begins above water, where a selfish and shrewd pirate named Burger-Beard is writing a book that controls the events of the story and has taken the Krabby Patty formula for himself. He narrates the story of the spongy adventure to a group of overzealous seagulls.

The story itself takes place in familiar territory, with SpongeBob (voiced by Tom Kenny) flipping patties at the Krusty Krab and serving Bikini Bottom with the treasured Krabby Patties. However, trouble arises when Plankton (Doug Lawrence), the arch nemesis of restaurant owner Mr. Krabs (Clancy Brown), attempts to steal the secret formula of the Krabby Patty. SpongeBob and Plankton struggle over the formula in a physical fight and eventually have a tug of war, but it magically vanishes in the process.

Without the secret formula, SpongeBob is unable to satisfy the culinary needs of the fellow fish of Bikini Bottom, and the customers become ravenous. The town suddenly takes a 180 degree turn and becomes dark and chaotic due to the lack of Krabby Patties. An uprising commences. Only SpongeBob knows that Plankton did not steal the formula, and proposes that he and Plankton team up to get the formula back. Throughout the rest of the movie, he attempts to show Plankton the meaning of teamwork.

Everything about the movie, from its horrid screenplay to the perplexing plot, was subpar at best. Unlike the classic SpongeBob TV show series, and “The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie” (2004), the new film lacks the silly, you’ll-miss-em dialogues signature to the yellow sponge.

The film seemed to be more of a random collection of events strung together by nothing really. The bizarre chain of events, which I presume were the writers’ lame and unsuccessful attempts at humor, soiled the movie further by taking away all logical aspects of it. The lines in the film were atrocious. If I had a dollar for every time I rolled my eyes at yet another repeated joke, I’d almost be as rich as Mr. Krabs. Additionally, I am quite certain that the film contained drug and sexual references that were meant to be more clandestine than they actually were.

Moreover, the movie strayed a bit too far from the TV series. The characters, in particular, were only slightly like the characters from the show. Patrick, normally SpongeBob’s trusty sidekick, was displayed as disloyal, and Sandy, normally the voice of reason, suggested human sacrifice “to please the sandwich Gods” in order to alleviate the Krabby-Patty-less situation in the chaotic Bikini Bottom. Even the antagonist, Plankton, readily gave up the Krabby Patty formula and learned the meaning of teamwork. For a few scenes of the movie, it seemed as though grumpy old Squidward actually cared about the Krusty Krab. Yuck.

The film sought to recreate the classic and cute SpongeBob, and missed by a long shot. SpongeBob himself would have laughed his signature, bubbly laugh at the ridiculousness of this pathetic attempt of a sequel.