Seriously Satirical: Updating Technology

Courtesy of Megan Lee

Emily Wong, A&E Editor

Dear Mommy,

Now that I’m in middle school, I’m writing you to stress the importance of obtaining the latest technology and hopefully persuade you to shed at least $1000 for this undisputable necessity.

Though you just purchased the last iPhone two months ago, it is out of style. The few small yet significant scratches from dropping it in the restroom make my cell phone ugly. I can’t risk having peers look at my phone with a magnifying glass and spotting these inexcusable imperfections. The newer iPhone also has a groundbreaking design that includes curved edges and a bigger size. This monumental change alone is enough to entice the most stubborn iPhone-resistant people. After all, it is clear that no one cares about easier gripping and convenient pocket size with this new design.

The speed of my current iPhone 5s is also as slow as grandma’s driving. The new iPhone 6, however, is astonishingly faster—by about 0.4 seconds; I can save 36 seconds every hour. In that time I can send a text or count my heartbeat. People always say they need more time and the iPhone 6 gives exactly that: time to run important errands. Time is of the essence and we must not wait to purchase this product.

You also gave me this year’s MacBook Air on my birthday a few months ago but it’s already getting old. All my friends have the MacBook Pro and it is about time I cave into peer pressure. Sure, they are similar, but since I’m going to high school next year, I will need that extra retina display for $150. After all, it is not like you’ll be spending more money on me in high school.

Though it may seem like I’m asking for a lot, people should take advantage of having money as quickly as possible. Some people don’t have a penny to their name so it is our duty as good Samaritans to use up our savings to seize the opportunities that others don’t have. Plus, it’s not like I am making you wait outside an Apple store overnight to get your hands on the newest iPhone. In fact, I am ashamed for not showing my passion for Apple products as much as my best friend, who camped out in front of an Apple store for three nights for his phone (he justifiably peed in a bottle and took food from strangers), but I’ll bite my tongue.

Love,

Your totally-not-spoiled 12 year-old son.