Blazing Trails of Satire: Sue-ing for the Cure

On behalf of all those brave women who have battled breast cancer, I would like to thank the Susan G. Komen for the Cure foundation for its amazing monetary contributions to the research toward finding a cure for breast cancer.

The foundation spends a shocking 21 percent of its budget on said research—that’s right, ladies and gentlemen, a whole 21 percent. It gives me comfort to know that when I’m out buying little pink ribbons, jewelry, clothing, or all of the above, that an entire 21 percent of the donations given to the foundation is going towards actually funding research. It also gives me much comfort to know that this noble and righteous foundation that fights for better health is partnering with huge conglomerates that obviously share the same message—Kentucky Fried Chicken and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. I’ll remember that when I turn 21 and make sure to buy six pack after six pack of Mike’s Hard Pink Lemonade; it’s not only cold, hard, and refreshing—it also supports breast cancer research.

I would furthermore like to thank the Komen foundation for cutting all grants to Planned Parenthood, withholding an approximate $680,000 a year that was meant to fund breast cancer screenings for women. After all, that money only provided for a meager 170,000 breast cancer screenings in the last four years.

And so, I would also like to thank the foundation for continuing to provide donations to the most dignified and honest hospitals and medical schools including the University of Kansas, where two scientists were under investigation for plagiarizing much of their research; the University of Texas at Austin, which has a lawsuit still pending a court decision concerning discrimination against Asians; the University of Alabama at Birmingham, which is under investigation for having an improper financial relationship with an organ donor vendor. I especially thank the foundation for continuing to provide cash donations to Penn State, which was recently under scrutiny because of the Jerry Sandusky child sex abuse scandal.

Finally, I would like to thank the foundation for using much of their donations as funding to sue every nonprofit foundation that uses the words “for the cure.”  “Surfing for a Cure,” “Cupcakes for a Cure,” and dozens others were really taught their lesson. The hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on these law suits were definitely worth it. Those small organizations that wanted to help the cause and gather donations to fund cancer fighting research were way out of line.  And for those rascals who had the audacity to actually use the color pink to promote breast cancer awareness—shame on you!

I would also like to thank Diamond Bar High School’s own Girl’s League for continuing to support  and send donation to this incredible foundation.  It’s the moral and ethical thing to do, after all.

I would like to, from the bottom of my shallow, pink, beating heart, thank the Susan G. Komen foundation for unwaveringly thinking solely about helping fund research “for the cure.”  Oops, I hope they don’t sue me.