Blazing Trails of Satire: Oversensitive Administration

With the ongoing craze of gun control since the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, schools all across America have been more cautious than ever to ensure a safe learning environment for students. A number of administrations have gone above and beyond to guarantee an unscathed campus.

First, I would like to give a round of applause to my dearest Park Elementary School in Maryland. Oh, but before I start to lavish praise upon praise for its more than appropriate decision to suspend the seven-year-old Josh Welch for his unacceptable behavior, I am obliged to offer the school a word of consolation for the fear and commotion his fatal Pop-Tart gun must have inflicted upon the students and staff.

I am especially inclined to apologize to his fellow classmates on behalf of Welch. How petrified they all must have been when Welch brandished his half-eaten breakfast shaped into a firearm. When I came across the article describing Welch’s lethal weapon and violent behavior, I was literally blown away by the principal’s totally reasonable decision to suspend the little, potential terrorist. Of course, Welch’s decision to craft his breakfast pastry into a defense weapon was not to be taken as a mere childhood imagination. It was rather a display of hazardous behavior, revealing his violent and distorted inner thoughts, and hinted at a concealed ferocity in his nature. It very much consoles me to think that America is blessed and still prospects hope, as this incident clearly proves such a protective and prudent school still exists.

And so, I must now give the school my sincerest thanks in providing me with the invaluable information that I could successfully rob a bank with a rectangular, strawberry-filled snack. Brilliant.

Since I have already mentioned one stellar example of sagacity ensuring a safe and healthy school environment in America, I am compelled to address another such occasion. Just this past January, a five year-old girl from Mount Carmel Area Elementary School in Pennsylvania was suspended after she made what the school deemed to be a terrorist threat. Her weapon of choice? A small, pink Hello Kitty automatic bubble blower. Although the kindergartener was without the harmful weapon at the time, it is undeniable that she had the intention to put her friend in harm’s way with a pink toy gun that spits out bubbles. Considering how dangerous and painful the soapy bubbles can be, and how very much this weapon, disguised by its seemingly innocent visage, resembles an actual automated firearm, I greatly appreciate the administration’s measures to suspend the little girl. It is only through such methods that schools will be able to maintain the well-being of their students.

I am also pleased to hear that the school went one step further to kindly force the girl into an evaluation by a psychologist. How very comforting is it to know that we have such schools to set a noble example for the rest of the nation’s districts to follow.

And of course, now I can hardly wait to read more about other schools’ decisions to suspend dangerous juveniles and snicker at what the future might bring, whether it be muffin hand grenades or a plastic Winnie the Pooh M-16.