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The Bull's Eye

Seditiously Satirical: Disorder in the White House

Megan Lee

Megan Lee

Stuart Kusdono, Asst. Opinion Editor

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Following Trump’s “immigration ban” executive order issued on Jan. 30, the TSA went into full force, detaining suspected terrorists willy-nilly. Airport employees frantically moved about attempting to placate a very disheveled crowd that was holding up Non-Green-Card-Holder Lives Matter signs.

“Trump said to make airlines safe again, so that’s what we did,’” an airplane manager said. “With this kind of dangerous situation stuff, you can’t take any chances. Even if that suspected terrorist is your dad.”

Trump’s statisticians very confidently claimed that the ban, before being shut down by the court, managed to stop billions and billions of potential terrorist attacks by sending dozens of senior citizens back to their home countries.

“I was detained and imprisoned because I’m 66 years-old,” a detained passenger said, “and the word ‘Muslim’ has six letters in it.”

The elderly weren’t the only ones put on Trump’s Suspected Terrorists list.

“I was detained and imprisoned because my name is Justin,” said Justin, another detained passenger, “because, you know, Justin and Muslim both have six letters and they sort of rhyme.”

Even relatives of suspected terrorists were detained for extra safety requirements.

“I was detained and imprisoned because my record states that five years ago, my third cousin from Australia watched a movie about the Ramadan, which, as you know, involves Muslims,” another detainee said.

Administration officials from the Department of Homeland Security boast that they were able to write up and implement the order within a record time.

“The Trump administration is all about efficiency, about getting things done,” Secretary of Homeland Security John Kelly said in a very off-the-record interview. “Other politicians ramble for 10 years about what changes they will make, and nothing happens. But our group was able to make a difference, in the world, I tell you, in 10 minutes! How ‘bout that?”

As some members of the press reported, Trump had a very elaborate system of determining which countries to ban immigrants from, which involved putting the names of all Middle Eastern countries in a hat and drawing out seven.

The randomized method was designed to prevent biased discrimination against certain groups, a criticism that Trump receives often.

Despite the court’s overturn of the executive order, Trump maintains unyielding anger. According to a Trump advisor Steve Bannon, Trump is already on his way to writing another last-minute executive order following the court’s decision to overturn his most recent one. No details about the revised executive order are known, but Bannon hints that Trump will be looking to target incompetent judges next.

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DBHS Student Publication.
Seditiously Satirical: Disorder in the White House