Seriously Satirical: Holiday Starbucks Cups
December 16, 2015
I must say that I am absolutely outraged at the notion that Starbucks refuses to decorate its cups for the Christmas season. How dare they! Its obvious lack of Christmas spirit, refusing to adorn their cups with snowflakes, snowmen, or reindeer, is an attack on the spirit of the season and definitely founded by heathen views against the holidays.
Plain red cups are the most pressing problem in the world today. How do the Syrian refugee crisis, America’s upcoming presidential election, or even the problems of poverty and world hunger even begin to compare to this holiday controversy? What does it matter if people are unable to make enough money to afford food if I can’t celebrate the season with the biggest coffee vendor around?
Those tiny cartoons doodled on Starbucks cups since 1997 are the true symbols of the coming Christmas season. Snow and ornaments are obviously emblems of the Christian religion and their disappearance is the beginning of an all-out war against Christmas waged by Starbucks. The 30 minutes I spend drinking out of my cup feels so much dimmer and less joyous compared to years prior.
Undecorated cups are, without a doubt, reflections of hate for Jesus felt by Starbucks, as ex-television preacher Joshua Feuerstein rightly pointed out. There is just no other explanation for this pagan display put on by everyone’s ex-favorite international coffee giant. Starbucks’ attempt to pacify its slighted customers with its so-called “Christmas blend” coffee mix and other products such as CDs and ornaments is just another obvious attempt to win back the love of angry consumers and only adds insult to injury. The very idea that a Christmas-themed gift card makes up for the loss of religious symbols on cups is shocking and pretentious, and it only serves to show how little Starbucks thinks of its loyal customers. Using such a gift card would only serve to remind me year-round of how Starbucks spit on the joy and spirit of the Christmas season.
I feel personally attacked by Starbucks’ refusal to ornament their cups and cannot go back to buying coffee from the company, no matter the weather. Dunkin’ Donuts, at least, has the good grace to celebrate the holidays with designs on their cups, a colorful wreath adorned with the word ‘joy’, and I’m afraid I will no longer be providing Starbucks with my hard-earned money.
