Blazing Trials of Satire: Surprise!
January 28, 2014
Every day I hear people rant about the stress and anxiety that come with applying for college. Honestly, I have no idea what they are talking about. I mean, I don’t know about everyone else, but I keep getting letters from college after college, constantly reminding me that I’m exceedingly special and one-of-a-kind. Such a phenomenal time of love, affection, and special surprises, the college application season is the one time of the year where I receive compliments from random colleges. Yes, even the ones that I have never heard of in my life are reaching out toward me and offering me a place within their prestigious campuses. It’s just a heartwarming feeling to know that you’re loved by people you don’t even know.
For example, one day after school while scanning through the envelopes in my mail box, I came across a beautiful letter sent from Harvard University. And guess what, it was personally addressed to me! My hands shook violently and my heart literally exploded with joy as I slit open the letter. What could the prestigious, top-tier Harvard have to say to me?
The first two words: Dear Joy gleamed in the light like streaks of gold. I was speechless. Harvard, the world-known Harvard had used such an endearing word “dear” to address me, my name! “Dear” is definitely not a word used to address just anyone. In a casual conversation, a simple “hi” or “hello” would suffice; “dear,” on the other hand, is a completely different matter. Harvard had made my day, giving me hope for a path to a bright future. As I absorbed the words that Harvard personally wrote to me, I thought to myself, “Wow, Harvard University had recognized my interests and achievements and they believe that I’m very well suited for the University.” I couldn’t believe it! Harvard, all the way in Massachusetts, more than 3,000 miles away, had taken notice of little me in little Diamond Bar!
Even more miraculously, the next day, I received a similar letter, only this time from Princeton. And then the day after that, I received another two letters from Stanford and Columbia! Receiving so many letters, it finally dawned on me.
The only probable reason I could fathom for the endless acknowledgments was that all of these esteemed universities were dying to add me to their student body. Evidently, the tens of letters I receive on a weekly basis could only mean that these colleges were racing to accept me. I mean, they can’t just be sending these letters to everyone can they? No, that can’t be it.
I’ll bet they spent hundreds upon thousands of dollars hiring people to find out about where I live and carefully type out each and every letter addressed to me. College Admissions Offices not only give people steady occupations, but they keep post offices up and moving. How considerate of them. Just imagining how much trouble every college went through just to send me a letter makes me glow with elation and bliss. My preschool teacher was right, I was indeed destined for greatness. The letters prove just that.
And as if physical letters weren’t enough to remind me of how accomplished and perfect I was, for each university, I have also received multiple e-mails every day. If you’re ever having a bad day or just feeling a bit lonely, turn to your mailbox or check your e-mails. You’re sure to find a bountiful number of colleges appreciating you for who you are and excited to accept you into their school.
I’ll admit that Harvard might not accept me, but let’s be realistic: I will at least make it to Stanford since they’ve sent me multiple requests already. It’s wonderful to be so special.
