Blazing Trails of Satire: Our Prestigous Restrooms

Blazing Trails of Satire: Our Prestigous Restrooms

Eric Hong, Contributing Writer

Here at the prestigious Diamond Bar High School, not only do we like to boast of our title as one of the highest ranking schools in the nation, but we are also especially proud of our high-quality restrooms.

We students never fail to leave the bathrooms without making sure they look their absolute best, keeping to a strict code of conduct: do not flush, do not use the trashcans, keep the floor wet and slippery at all times, and usage of toilets is optional.

Every day at lunch, I roam around from one restroom to the next simply to gaze at the extraordinary works of art. I love to marvel at and appreciate everything my fellow students have done to the places, from the poetically vulgar string of words engraved on the inner walls of each stall to the wads of wet paper towels stuck to the ceiling. Our restrooms truly are sacred. They serve as outlets for us to express our neverending creativity and exercise our artistic abilities.

Just last week, one of the restrooms near the theater featured a new addition. The large, three by three feet blend of chocolate and strawberry milk on the floor strangely resembled ‘Starry Night” by Van Gogh. I admire the student behind this masterpiece most of all. Surely his generous act was out of goodwill and care, with his only motive being to please the restroom’s visitors and keep them from the depressing void of boredom—what a thoughtful person he is.

However, the efforts of the unknown artist were soon brought down to waste, along with many other contributions. Later that day, I watched, mouth agape and eyes wide open, as the janitor relentlessly tore down every form of embellishment. To my horror, it was all gone in a matter of minutes. He might as well have gone to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and burned down every painting and shattered every sculpture under his very heel, as he did to my sad heart.

The very next morning, I had quite a heart attack when I heard the news. The “Starry Night” virtuoso had been suspended for so-called “vandalism.” Nevertheless, despite the injustice served to our selfless hero and the janitor’s catastrophic act of merciless sabotage, the students of Diamond Bar responded with resilience. By the end brunch, the restrooms were back to their original exquisite condition; it’s amazing how they  change almost instantaneously. The feeling of belonging came rushing back to me as I felt at home once again.

This tradition is timeless, and we students will stop at nothing to survive it. No matter the consequence, our artistic passion will continue to burn like the scent of the janitor’s wretched Clorox. There’s no place quite like the restrooms.